Throwing Stones

All my life I have been taught NOT to throw sticks or stones. You too? Well come along on a rugged mountain hike with me and let’s think about when it might be ok to disregard this teaching. 

The day I decided to hike in the Chisos Mountains I came across some unusual warnings. This is not something I needed to worry about down in the civilized world. But up here, on this mountain, I now need to be prepared for 4 legged, furry predators with teeth and claws. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!  Ok, no tigers, but still mountain lions and bears… oh my! I am not in Kansas (or Indiana) anymore.

I have to admit, the warning signs amused me. I know they are deadly serious, but something about them struck my funny bones. The sign reported that a lion had been frequenting this area, and could be aggressive towards humans. You have to understand the stick figure drawings didn’t help matters.

If you see a lion, here’s the things to DO

• pick up small children  (what? don’t feed them to the lion?)
•  stand together, appear large
• wave arms, shout aggressively 
•  throw stones or sticks

Whatever you do though, DON’T show fear, crouch down or run away.

The strategies for bears are pretty similar: shout, wave arms, throw stones. Anyway, it seems like the best strategy when encountering a wild, threatening beast is to have a temper tantrum and be mean. I thought this highly amusing, and as humor often does, it opened the door to some deeper reflections. I don’t know about you, but my mom and dad taught me that temper tantrums and mean-spiritedness were unacceptable. Always. Good girls don’t throw tantrums and well, I should just be nice. Yelling and calling people names won’t get you what you want. Throwing stones could hurt someone. What’s that children’s rhyme – sticks and stones may break my bones…. And you can poke somebody’s eye out with that stick. Put it down!

Through the years, I’ve also learned some basics about conflict management and resolution. At the heart of it is an understanding that shouting aggressively and being abusive just aren’t very helpful. In fact, the first person to start cussing and shouting in an argument has usually lost or missed the point. Yelling tends to escalate tensions. Name calling does nothing but belittle and de-humanize the other. The person who throws a stone or a punch is out of control and does more harm than good (even if they do get their own way).

Well it is obvious that conflict management is not going to work with a bear. You can’t rationalize with a lion. If they think you’ve invaded their territory or that you have something they want, you’re not going to calmly talk your way out of it. A temper tantrum is indeed your best strategy when confronted with a wild beast. Shout aggressively! Stomp your feet! Throw stones and sticks and whatever names you can think of! Your life depends upon it!

That makes sense out here in the wilderness. Being nice while being threatened by a lion, or trying to make friends with a hungry bear, could mean serious injury if not certain death. When beasts threaten, you must be aggressive and loud and even mean. Forget conflict management and just throw the f@#ing stone! Shit, throw lots of stones, and sticks too. Whatever you do, don’t run or cower. Stand up for yourself. Your life depends upon it!

All humor aside, these warnings got me thinking about when is it okay to throw stones? Have there been times in my life when I should have been shouting aggressively and waving my arms? I tend to be a peace maker. I want peace at all costs. What that means is even if I am angry; I will work very hard not to show it. I will keep my opinions and my needs to myself if it might upset someone or worse yet someone might very well reject me for them. I have also become a master at not stirring boiling pots. If anything, I look for ways to turn down the heat, calm people down.

What I have come to realize is that while this may be admirable behavior, especially for a minister, it has come at a great cost to me. Perhaps if I had seen others, or at least their behavior, as life threatening, I would have thrown stones; I would have shouted and waved my arms and had a temper tantrum. But that seems so dramatic, doesn’t it?  And it’s not very mature or saintly or rational. Surely church people and family members are not lions or bears that can seriously injure you or even kill you. Right? They’re not your enemies, are they? Or aren’t they?

The hard truth is while I might not have shown fear in the face of “my enemies,” I did cower. I crouched down and my life has been at risk because of this.  My needs and desires became secondary to keeping the peace and keeping the other happy. Always. What I have done unwittingly is devalued and demeaned myself. The irony is I did this thinking I was protecting myself. The times I did stand tall and speak my mind; I always seemed to make a few enemies. People would call me names, like unpatriotic or pagan or just plain bad. Some even left the church. They no longer liked me. One prayer or idea became a point of separation rather than a place for growth or conversation.  The times I did raise my voice in my marriage (not even a full-fledged temper tantrum, mind you), I was told I was out of line or irrational. When I did express my anger in very clear terms, my ex would call me bitter.

I had basically thrown myself to the lions through the years without even realizing it.  I thought it was more important to not upset or hurt the feelings of others. Peace at all cost. What I did though was feed my good ideas and my valued needs to the lions. I let the bears decide whether I mattered or not.

These days as I hike wilderness trails and journey into the wild places of my soul, I am discovering that I need to stand tall and value myself, even if it does mean making a few enemies.  I need to aggressively defend my thoughts and ideas. I need to pick up and hang on to my children (ya know, my dreams and my needs). I need to shout out loud: Life is good, and I am good.    When others try to shut me down, trample my ideas or take away my sense of self worth, I need to remember that I am more important than peace at all cost.  I am worth protecting and there may be times I need to throw stones to keep away the enemies of my spirit.

Even as I learn there are times to throw stones, I am also learning that throughout this rugged, wild journey there are vistas that take your breath away. There is a deeper sense of peace, because now I know I matter and I belong in this wild place. And yes, there is still room for lions and bears. They are fascinating and wonderful creatures who deserve my respect and who belong in this wild place too. I just need to keep them at a safe distance. My life depends upon it.