Lost and Found

No, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. I do feel a bit lost, I confess, but I am still earth bound. You can find me these days in the rainy, cloudy state of Washington. Last week I attended a Mediation Skills Training Session through the Lombard Peace Institute. It was a very intense week that began with a close look at personal conflict styles and then moved on to family of origin dynamics and self-differentiation.  This came at a very ironic time because just days before, I had caused conflict in a close relationship, as well as within myself. It was hard at times, if not downright impossible, to separate my own inner struggles from the learning. I'm reminded again, God has an incredible sense of timing and possibly a warped sense of humor. For me to land in this class at this time, it was more than just coincidence. It was an opening to understanding and the beginning of potential grace.

One of the light spots of the week was spending time with a former high school friend who now lives in Seattle. Without disclosing a lot of details, I confessed I was feeling pretty lost at the moment. She responded, “Well, you can’t be found until you’re lost.”

At first it sounded like a fun play on words to help make light of the situation, but at its heart is some deep wisdom. I began this journey as a time of self-discovery. I hoped it would be a time to find out more about myself and what I want for my life and future. Well, maybe now that I truly feel lost, alone and utterly homeless, I can truly be found. That’s my hope.

As I look back on this journey, both the recent sojourn and the lifelong road I have been on, I have lost some important things along the way; things that require grieving. I have lost good friends, and have experienced the end of relationships and a job that shaped and defined my identity. I left the place I called home. It is no longer mine; I have no place that I truly belong at this moment. Most of all, through the years, I have lost myself.

Those are the major losses in my life in a nutshell. Facing those losses, reveals new things. I have found how much I need meaningful companionship. Even though this time alone is important, I need to feel connected to others. Without a home, other than a tent and a car, I have found this desire, not so deep within, to be warm and comfortable. I have also found that it is not always enough to be able to call wherever you lay your head, home. I ultimately need a place to belong, a place to return.  I also need to be me, whoever that is, even at the risk of disappointing others.

That final lost and found is perhaps the hardest. From a young age, I found it was better and easier to keep others happy. I have been a people pleaser. That meant holding back with my own thoughts and ideas and feelings. While that may have been somewhat helpful as a child, it has not been a good, lasting or fulfilling way to be as an adult. It has created misunderstandings and confusion. It leads eventually to me striking out on my own in ways that seem defiant, ways that often cause more pain than if I had just been honest and forthright in the first place. 

Yes, I have lost much, and indeed, at the moment, I feel completely lost and at loose ends.  But I remain hopeful and cling to the wise words of my friend, it’s only when you are lost that you can be found.