It’s
been a long while since I’ve written anything for this blog. Since my last post
I
have hiked among giant sequoias in snow showers,
spent
a week with my brother and his family in California, meeting my two great
nephews for the first time.
I
kayaked the caves of a Channel Island,
and
sweltered in the Arizona heat as I wandered opened mouth and totally mesmerized
among saguaro cacti.
I have been back in Texas throughout June, settling in at my mom’s. The
wandering is over for awhile, although don’t ask me where my future is heading.
That is still an unknown.
Throughout
June I delighted in the innocence of my new great nephew and niece, caught up
with a good high school friend, mourned some endings, got
serious about working on a book idea I had from years ago, and wrote several
more songs.
I’m in Dallas now, house sitting for my brother. I’m still
delighting, mourning and catching up with friends. I’ve also taken on the
intimidating task of learning recently purchased software to record the songs
I’ve written.
Now
you need to understand, I am a complete moron when it comes to technology. I
have done some recording once, but I was on the other side of the microphone. I
know nothing about actually recording, editing, or mixing. I am using the
easiest, most user friendly software out there and yet the manual might as well
be in Greek. I just don’t get it. Complete moron…
Yesterday
I finally had a breakthrough and was able to get a song into a format that I
could send to Windows Media Player. I can actually burn it to a CD now if I’m
so inclined. I can’t tell you how great it felt to accomplish this. I have been
on the edge of temper tantrums and tearful meltdowns for three days. Yes,
that’s what technology does to me.
Uninstalling everything and just returning it, was getting closer with
each passing hour. But I sucked it up and stuck with it, stubbornly determined
to figure it out.
So
far the tips from the salesman were not working. I went back to the website and
again found the long list of tutorials. I tried some different ones this time.
After watching one by Guthrie Thomas, I was beginning to feel less intimidated
by all the dials and foreign techno speak. This tutorial actually walked me
through the steps I needed in a language I partly understood. I finally figured out how to merge all the
tracks into one unit and export the mixdown to a file that I could burn. Don’t
worry if that didn’t make any sense. It’s a strange world. Point is… after
three days of intense frustration and feeling very inadequate - Victory! I
finally had a song recorded in a useable format. Yes!!
I
of course jumped up, twirled around with my arms outstretched and shouted
“woohoo!” as I danced around. A victory dance was definitely in order.
This
morning as I was reflecting on this minor victory in the recording world, I had
a moment of not just gratitude, but pride. I had not given up. I had not caved
in and resorted to temper tantrums when I could feel the frustration rising. I
managed to calm myself. I kept trying. I started classes. I reached out for
help. I could have just quit. But recently, I’ve discovered this deep desire to
move forward with my art and it has made all the difference.
About
10 days ago I avoided being killed. Yes, that sounds dramatic, but this
incident caught my attention. I was on a two-way frontage road about to enter
the ramp to I-10. Oncoming traffic is supposed to yield as you pick up speed, cross
over into their lane and get on the ramp. Well, on this particular day a semi
had come around the curve and was heading in my direction. My turn signal was
on. I was picking up speed and just about to move over into his lane when I
realized this guy was not slowing down. He had no intention of yielding to me.
I pulled back just in time; shot him the finger and said some pretty unsavory
things about what he could do with himself.
When
my heart rate finally settled back down, I realized that if I had tried to
enter the ramp, he would have hit me head-on and I would be dead. There is no
way a Ford Focus is going to win against a semi. One of the things that crossed my mind is no
one would have ever heard the songs I had written. They would have died with
me. I had not realized until that moment how important this art is to me. It’s
been lying dormant in me for years. Now that it has come to life, I need to
nurture it and pursue it, even though I’m not quite sure what that means.
Since
then, I have been serious about getting the songs recorded, and hopefully from
there I can get them notated. I’ve been thinking about doing an open mich night
– which is a totally scary idea. I'm
trying to figure out connections and avenues to a world that is completely new
to me and very different than anything I have ever done. Yes, I’ve written a
lot through the years for my work as a preacher and teacher, but I’ve never
actually tried to put it together in publishing form. Sure, I’ve been playing
music and singing with a praise band for awhile now, but getting my own music
out there is a whole ‘nother story.
It
is a crazy, unsure time for me. I vacillate between doing this new thing and
going back to the work I’ve known. I wonder, can I do both? The verdict is
still out, but I am learning along the way that artistic desire can be a strong
force against frustration, and that courage will eventually have its say. I
really have no idea where this will take me, but I am hopeful that there are
more victory dances in my future. With
that said, I’ll leave you with the latest song I wrote. Originally it was to be
called Courage. The name it chose is Child’s Play.
When your back’s against the wall
Courage will have its say
It rises up in your very soul
showing you a different way
Life is shattered and the pieces are on the floor
Despair drops you to your knees
And you wonder what can be anymore
Yes Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Life made sense until his fall
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Simply couldn’t put him together again.
The pieces are scattered, there’s no going back
To the way things were before
You see now what’s missing; all you lack
You’re little Miss Moffit minding your own
Business along the way
Along comes a spider and sits down beside ya
You resist; you don’t run away
You’re startled from your calm, ordinary life
Nothing really is what it seems
Do you squash the one who brings truth to light
When your backs against the wall
And fear gets in the way
Hope can rise up in your soul
Showing you a brand new day
It’s an itsy bitsy spider whose going up that
spout
The storms of life have knocked him down
And yet there he goes for one more round about
Do you dare follow in his path
Once again, the same old thing
It seems to me, you need something new
Let your dreams come out and dream
It’s time to find another way to live
One where tears won’t wash you away
Where you wonder what can be all the more
When your backs against the wall
Courage will have its say
It rises up in your very soul,
and my friends, it’s not child’s play
No, no, it’s not child’s play.
